Retrogress
by Lolly16
Summary: What's exactly the opposite to 'move on? Tweek knows.
1. Teenage Crush

No matter how much Tweek tried to forget, he couldn't. He compared the feeling to being soaked in the deep sea, yet still breathing. It seemed so endlessly that the only thing he could did was pretending everything was okay. He wondered if a word could describe his situation and if luckily, he would find it. Maybe that way could find ease.

* * *

I found myself thinking about him, as if wasn't like that every second of my life. I've spent so much time of the late years doing this that I learned to enjoy the few moments when my mind was off of him. Is simply what I do and I've become to accept the pathetic, unavoidable, truth: I can't get over Craig. So, as usual, I'm recalling some random conception about him.

This memory was supposed to be a sad one, but somehow my brain thought that after months of hating it, that it would be okay convert the moment when he hurt me, in something I should smile for. That was overwhelming confusing and rather pitiful. I'm not going to say that I remember all of the details. Actually much of it became so blurry, I can't even decide which of the versions of what he said is the real one. Not that matters, anyway. I managed to understand that it does not make any difference at all if he said "We'll still be friends." Or if he said, "You know I only see you as a friend." Because in the end, they're meant nothing would be the same anymore. And what I learned about it was that the only thing I could do was adapt.

My life has changed since then. Not a huge, important change but to me was obnoxious. What made the difference the most is the absence of Craig. He has been slowly fading from my existence. Any attempt to bring him back is insignificant, and yet I have not given up. But when you try again and again something you know you wouldn't make, you tend to disappoint. To fight this, I take 'breaks' from trying to get him to hang out with me again. It makes all easier. Not happier, nonetheless it worked for me.

I know I make everything seem like Craig is the center of my life and the universe, but he's not. I have friends, and do stuff like normal people. Is just that deep down I feel trapped in my teenage crush.

And I get the feel that is about to change.


	2. Pretty Faces

Despite Craig and I could still refer as each other like best friends, there was a big distance between us. We haven't really talked since last three months and we barely do text. Of all the forms of communication existing, none of them seems to be enough to bring us back together. Is the most stupid thing on the world but I can't help it. That's why I splitted from Craig's gang. I mean, of course we are still friends. Clyde hangs with me often, and Token comes with us too sometines. Is just not the same without him.

While this separation happened I was completely horrified with the idea that I wouldn't have friends ever again. Sure, I'm the paranoid batshit kid I been since childhood but thanks to puberty my voice grow deeper, I'm taller now, (Not taller than Craig, but closer) and also thanks to boxing I haven't lost a single fight since I was twelve. Not that I fight a lot, by the way. Now people are scared of me instead of mocking. It's fun though. And opposite of what I thought, I did found friends. The kind of friends that want to be with you no matter how much the rest of the schools either thinks you suck or that you'll kill them.

Bebe is one of them.

But why? The best looking girl in the school spends her time in me. I'm still wondering.

That's because she kinda had a crush on me. That's weird, I know. I if it wasn't because I'm completely gay I would be in love with her.

All started when she and Clyde were dating, she always came with us everywhere. Clyde was a bad boyfriend I swear. I can't deny the fact that Clyde loved Bebe. Well, he still does. However, he always got rid of Bebe doing childish things. Whenever we hang out, Bebe was there too. She was nice with Craig, Token and me. But as most of the time we felt estranged. Craig and the guys had fun while Babe and I, who were never very manly, sat down to watch them.

So we started to talk.

At the beginning the conversation was just "how are you" type of. Boring and mediocre yet enough to pass time.

One day walking through the hall, Bebe came to me looking weird. I couldn't tell exactly what seemed different until she stared directly at my eyes. Her pretty, little nose was awfully red, eyes that couldn't keep wide open nor closed. Even while being so messed up she was still beautiful. The kind of beautifulness that is left when porcelain is broken, and through every piece you still get the feeling that is art.

It took me one look to know she broke up with him. Now, you can guess who the one to be there for her was.

I hugged her not knowing what else to do, while told the most helpful words I could think of.

"One day you won't remember this."

The only answer I got was hard sobbing and tight arms around my back.

I was right, and I rarely am. When a few days passed she still hung to me, but looking better than she ever did. She wasn't happy and she kept crying every now and then. I was the only one who saw that depressed side. I didn't want to let her alone because I felt she needed me. Feeling that someone needs you is in the top of my list of things I enjoy. I don't think is healthy anyway, but I do my best to keep it down.

Months later I was feeling terrible too. That day I woke up with the feeling that no one actually cared for me. Not even Craig. It was not true, anyway. I knew she cared, my parents did too. Somehow I couldn't escape the hopelessness feeling inside my chest. So she had been trying to make me feel better all day. I remember the sassy smile she had when said the three words every boy wants to listen coming out for him. "I like you" Every hetero boy, at least.

Out of words, blushed and scared, I did nothing.

Not that I had to, because she instantly said some other unexpected words.

"And I know you like Craig."


	3. A Better Boy

Much people have no idea that actually, dreams happen almost before you wake up, and though I feel like I've dreamed for the last eight hours it's likely only five minutes passed. This morning I opened my eyes just before reaching for him. I always had the same dream. I walk, see him and start to run until I'm so close I could reach his cheek with my fingers. But is never close enough. Not even in my dreams, I can get close enough to him.

Nevertheless, I was thrilled. It seemed too real. I've always been the type of person that has insomnia. Night after night I would lay quietly. Curtains opened as wide as my eyes. Millions of thoughts going through my mind, all of them leading to him. I longed for him in every breath.

Each time became a little too late for me to dream. And dreaming of him was a blessing.

I have been focusing on the past way too much. Is hard for me to keep up with things happening in front of me, I'm always daydreaming. What if Craig wanted me the way I wanted him? I will never know. If he doesn't tell me, at least. I highly doubt he will. And I'm not brave enough to ask him. Bebe had told like a million times that I should talk with him about my feelings. I got the feeling that she is right. Unlike me, she always is. I'm just scared, I know it's true. Craig is the closest friend I ever had. It should be easy, hell, so easy to tell him...

If only Craig loved me— If he talked to me more often.

Back into reality, Bebe took my hand. The class was over.

"Honey," she said. Cheesy nicknames are her thing. "Someone has been looking at you."

I knew, because of her tone, that it was Craig.

"Oh! what a surprise, you know? Maybe this is the glorious day when he dares to face me," I say, jokingly. "We talk stuff, he realizes he's in love with me and we make up."

She laughed. "Stop pretending you don't care. I know you do."

I shrug. "Yeah, we both know..., but—"

From behind, someone touched my shoulder. I didn't have time to react like a normal person (I never do) so I freaked. Being ready to punch whoever was there, I realized that no one besides Craig and Kenny dears to touch me like that.

And Kenny didn't come to school today.

"Hello, Craig," Bebe says. Then she leaves.

And we are alone in the hallway.

"Hey," I say. I'm smiling, can't help it though I try.

He smiles too, slightly.

"We're going to Stark Pond tomorrow"

I guess he's trying to invite me, but my pride wants to hear him saying it.

"That sounds cool."

He bites his lip, changing his gaze directly to my eyes.

"Clyde will bring some random girl and Token already told Nichole, so..."

At the end of the hallway, Bebe looked at us, finger-banging me with a suspicious smile.

Craig holds my cold, shaking hand. His hands are likely the same size as mine. But chubbier and warmer.

My brain and heart stop functioning.

"So, I... Was wondering if you would like to come. With me."

Satisfied with the conflicted look he had, I say: "After school?"

Wanting to tease him a bit more (also not wanting to let go of his grip), softly whispered: "Bebe is not allowed to come, right?" He seems disappointed. I act like if I actually wanted her to come.

"Uh, you know I think she's cool but Clyde will be there, too, so..." I wanted to believe that he only said such because he wants to be alone with me.

Before he keeps talking I interrupt.

"Yeah, I get it." I wink at him. "Only me then."

The wide smile on his face could easily turn blind the entire world. I don't think a man as beautiful as he is ever lived. And I, ugly and common as a person can be, am blessed to see this piece of heaven.

Just to remind me miracles are real, destiny has sent one to my life today.

He nods, while I say "I'll be there."

Then he leaves. Bebe and I are free to go home now. I feel like I could fly from happiness.

We walk side by side. She grabs my shoulder, I see by the look on her face that she wants to know about my little conversation with Craig.

"Guess what," I begin "We'll hang tomorrow"

"It's a date," I can hear her smile through her voice.

"It's not. Clyde and Token will be there." Deep inside, I know he knows that indeed, we will go on a date. Still, my stubbornness tells me to act otherwise.

"They're gonna bring girls, don't you dare to tell me is not."

"Well, yeah..." I gasp loudly, hoping she doesn't notice I'm overreacting so to lie to myself "But, he doesn't see it that—"

"Even if he doesn't, it's a date, honey. And you're the girl."

I felt frustrated that I could not argue with her. Everything Bebe said magically became true apparently just because she said so.

My hands, that usually tremble, could start an earthquake by itself right now. Bebe noticed, grabbed my hand kindly. "I wish I could stop you from going. I could do so much better than Craig..."

Those words came quickly, messed and wet. It felt heartbroken. I checked if someone was looking in our direction before talking. The panic I felt was harder than anything, the fact that someone could see her and I this way scared me way more than hurting her feelings. Because when you hurt someone there is always some way to fix the damage. Unlike when you screw everyone's image of you, it will stick with you for the rest of your life.

I know it should not be that way. I know I should care more about her in moments like this one. I guess I'm a selfish loser.

"I-I am sorry." Is the only thing that comes out.

An uncomfortable instant goes by, but it feels like I wasted my entire life in it.

"You know, is not that I don't like you. Is that I don't like girls. Like, at all."

Bebe laughed. "I know, honey. I know."

"Craig, better be a good date or I might try to change my gender so I can steal his boy."


End file.
